Do periods really make us more emotional and temperamental?
If it doesn't then I think I'm just crazy.

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It's 3.43am now and I got home from clubbing like a while ago. Showered and feeling fresh, yet still pretty exhausted and can't wait to knock out. But, my mind is still very active. Thinking about several things and I have a feeling I may wake up feeling like shit tmr. Not that anything bad happened tonight but it'll just be one of those crappy mornings. :(

I feel frightened.
I'm still so weak. Time and again, I convinced myself that I'm stronger. But you know the feeling when you think you're perfectly fine and suddenly you realize you're not and you are back to square one.

Hopefully I will grow stronger and not let my setbacks determine my life.
Hopefully things get better at home too.
Really just hoping for the best.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

In a state of contentment right now.
I feel so blessed. I used to wonder why God has taken the person I loved so much away from me. I know how myopic that sounds but that was all I cared. I didn't understand why he had to do that. But looking at how things are now, I've learnt to look at my life at a larger spectrum. I have tons of things to be thankful for. He might have taken that 1 person away from me, but in return, he has given me more than I could have yearned for. I've made so many new and awesome friends from school who have been my pillars of strength during my first year in uni. Uni would have been shit without them. He (as in God) kept my mind and heart busy with all that schoolwork.

This summer break has been a bittersweet one for me. As much as I was looking forward to it, I dreaded it too because I know I would have more time alone and more time to dwell on the past and you know how that ends. But it has been going well, very well. I realised God has blessed me with so many friends, friends I know I can truly count on for support. I may have lost some really good friends after the breakup, but I have forged many stronger friendships. I feel very very loved. :)

I had a very eventful day with Mel today. 
We had dinner with her family at Brotzeit at 313 and the food was a-mazing. Aunty Linda was so sweet, she kept putting food on my plate because she knew I would be too shy to help myself. It felt like family with them, it really did. That made me ponder and realized that my family has not had such a spread for a pretty long time actually. I want to take my family out for a scrumptious dinner when I get my bursary money. My parents deserve it. 
Blood is always thicker. 

No matter how much you may try to prepare yourself for the worst, you just can't. The emotions that go through you when you experience it, you can't prepare yourself for that. 

I don't want to seem pathetic and be pitied. I don't ask for people to be sympathetic but perhaps just understand. 

The plight that we're in, I don't know how bad it can get. Am I being selfish for feeling bitter that I am unable to shop and enjoy myself like I used to? A part of me wishes my dad can get a job soon so life can get back to normal and I can stop blowing off my friends whenever they ask me out and I can make lots of plans to just hangout and spend money. I feel so evil and superficial for thinking that way. 

It irks me to know that people in far better positions are complaining despite their lavish lifestyles. 

They say your only worry as a student is education and grades. Evidently, that is not how life rolls. Sometimes you get thrown into a situation where you have no choice but to adapt to it. I am trying my best to provide for myself. I applied to be a tutor and I will be working at my school gym once I've passed the exam. Not only that, I will be looking for a part-time job with Erin tomorrow since I have a 3 month break till year 2 begins. When I tell my friends my plans, they would tell me to just enjoy my holidays and not work because it may be the last "vacation" I will have to enjoy. But I can't. I am unable to rely on my parents for money. Some may or may not understand how difficult it is to open my mouth to ask my parents for money. Even when I barely have enough to last for the week and when my dad would ask if I have enough money, I would try my best to reassure him that I do. However, my dad being my dad, he would still give me whatever amount he can. He may be carrying out his responsibility as a father to provide for me, but it just really hard to take the money he gives. 

Somehow, this cross that has been given to us, seems really heavy right now. 

Then again, I fail to remember that there are others out there with bigger crosses and greater burdens. This enviousness has to stop. It's not right. 

This is my new desktop background. :) Something to smile about each time I switch it on to do my dreadful work. 

I've spent the entire afternoon till now only studying 1 chapter. Feel like slaughtering myself to cook curry. It'll be yummy because I have a lot of fats in me. hahaha. 

I feel a little bit disoriented and I think I know why. 
This looming feeling arises when what you want to do is not something you would usually do. Basically, a clash between your head and heart. It is a challenge to discern which one to follow. When we ask for advice, some would say, follow what would make you happy. What if both decisions would make me happy, just at different periods? Then how do I choose?

Sometimes it is easier to foolishly jump into something and regret later rather than weighing the pros and cons only to leave yourself more perturbed than ever. It is exhausting to always be the one weighing pros and cons before making a decision. On one hand, I may be more sure about the decision I've made and on the other, I may still be doubtful. The grass IS always greener on the other side. 

Okay I should stop wasting my time.